Blog 11: Self Care- Obstacles
At the time of this writing, Self Care month has entered week three. Week one we pondered what meaningful Self Care looks like at this juncture in our lives. After careful thought and consideration, in week two we set a meaningful Self Care intention. And now, the rubber meets the road regarding implementation. How do we represent our stated intention on the playing field of real life, with everything and everyone else that we have to deal with? Sometimes Self Care seems impossible and falls to the bottom of a never ending to do list.
Most of us are not programmed to consider ourselves very much regarding our own preferences, desires and maybe even our values. If we are lucky, when we were children we were freer to explore and gravitate toward what appealed to us. Children are inherently egocentric, meaning they think the world literally revolves around them. For good or for bad, when we were children it was all about us. But as we get older this changes. Depending on the environments that shaped us, we begin to see the world in terms of responsibility, obligation, and role fulfillment. Shaped by cultural and family norms, our self worth is deeply tied to these factors. For example, most of us were raised to gravitate toward certain careers or lifestyles. Who we partner with, where we live and if we have children, how we raise them is largely shaped by those we grew up with and our desire to fulfil their expectations. This promotes an ingrained process where we look outside ourselves for worth and self esteem. We might have longings or needs within, but have difficulty acknowledging or representing them. The hamster wheel of life propels us forward and it’s not until we become sick, or develop symptoms of some kind that we have no choice but to stop and take stock. We know that something needs to change, but what, and how?
Meaningful Self Care requires that we look inside to determine what we need to be healthy and whole. This may be as simple (but not easy), as a tweak in how we eat, move or relate to others. Other times, this may require a substantial change in our life path, such as a divorce or career change. Our own internal resistance is one of the two main obstacles to setting or maintaining Self Care intentions. How often do our brains say to us something like, “I can’t do that because…(fill in the blank: I can't afford it, I have no time, my kids need me, my family would be unhappy, I just don’t have it in me, etc…). This inner inner critic is usually based on hand me down belief systems that we may not even agree with! Taking some time to look at these factors will help us decide what we authentically believe. From that vantage point, what we need for our wellness and what we are willing to do to make this happen comes into clearer focus.
There is also the very real challenge of external obstacles. Those around us are often at least mildly resistant when we make changes that affect them in some way. When we modify things such as our diet, exercise, substance consumption or social calendar, this also affects those closest to us. People pleasers and empaths are acutely aware of the energy of others and may not want to rock the boat if they perceive any external resistance. Beware of these obstacles to Self Care intentions because they are powerful and can derail our goals and progress. An example of this comes to mind. When I was a young therapist I worked with a woman who was suffering from panic attacks and became suicidal when she was overwhelmed. Her need for Self Care and healthier habits needed modification to help her with these debilitating symptoms. She left for a family vacation and when we next met she presented me with a souvenir that her husband had picked out for me: it was a tee shirt with a picture of a bloody shark bite out of the side! The message was clear- he was obviously not pleased with the changes I was helping his wife make. We were able to address this in couples therapy and I am happy to report that he did come to understand and support her need for self care and her symptoms improved a lot. While this is an extreme example of external resistance, it illustrates a point. Sometimes, those around us have a vested interest in the status quo, even if it’s killing us. You are worth standing up for. Our loved ones are better off when we are healthy, even if they need some help coming to understand this fact.
This week, please take some time to look at the role of internal and external resistance in your own life. We are the only ones who have the ability to move these obstacles into their proper place, and thereby represent the quality of our life the way it deserves to be lived.
Moving from Krazy to #KrazyEmpowered is not easy or for the faint of heart. What do you think? Please comment, share and let us know your thoughts.
Xxoo marci